Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Vacation at BJs

We can file this one under "Things I Never Thought I'd Hear In My Lifetime".

Someone told me that they missed my blog.

Well.  I'll be.  Who'd have thunk it?  Certainly, not me.

Admittedly, I've been a bit speechless over the last few weeks.   Call it writers' block.  Call it thinkers' block.  Call it that I've heard some feedback that ranged from "really----another mommy blogger????" to "stupid".  I'd say that I just stopped playing, took my ball,  and ran home, but I don't necessarily think that's true.  Partially true?  Certainly.  Entirely true? Nope.  More than anything, I think it was just a call for some much-needed introspection.  It's a character flaw- but, hell.  It's my character flaw, and I'm more than okay with it.

Okay, and maybe it was time to take a brief respite from writing about life, and you know.... go about the business of actually living it.

I think I need some practice at that "living life" thing.  Here's what I did:

1.  Worked.  And worked some more.  And, yeah, then worked a little bit more.
2.  Worked out.  Woo hoo.
3.  Washed a few thousand loads of laundry.
4.  Attempted to negotiate with a pint-sized nudist tyrant.  I long for the days when I whined about her terrible clothing choices---now, I'd prefer that she'd, you know, wear them.
5.  It's not confirmed, but I'm pretty sure that my dad started a mulch fire at Easter brunch.
6.  I absolutely did not start a mulch fire at my own place of employment. I know that smoking is gross, and I know that I'm a smoker....but dammit, I am a RESPONSIBLE smoker.
7.  Ate about 27 pounds of Easter candy, and yes, I did pick out about 5 Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs from my brother's Easter basket.  Being the firstborn carries certain privileges.  Looting Easter baskets is one of them.

Oh, yeah.   And I came to a harsh, stark realization.  I'm supposed to be an adult-- and there comes a point in every adult's life when you need to accept the sad truth.  This truth I of which I speak?  Adults.  They grocery shop from time to time.

Flapjacks!  Fiddlesticks!  Foodles!

Yes, I'm expanding my vocabulary to include other words that start with the letter "f".  It's not going well, but it had to be done.  Just last Friday, my charming and articulate daughter announced TO MY MOTHER that her "frigging dog is frigging nuts."  The girl is clearly profane, but she's not a liar.  That dog (and my deepest apologies to that flapjacking canine) is frigging nuts.

What was I rambling about, again?  Oh, that's right....the need for me to procure some groceries.

There's only so many days you can offer dry noodles, cereal remnants and Easter candy for dinner before you realize that you're a complete failure as an adult.  Even college students have Ramen noodles in their stash.

Who am I kidding?  I could have dined on the stale contents of my pantry for 5 more days----but I was also fresh out of Diet Dr. Pepper.   Travesty-- so, I did what any respectable, responsible adult would do under the circumstances.  I called my husband before leaving work and with unmistakeable pride in my voice, I announced, "I will stop at BJs on the way home."

I imagined my Nobel Peace Prize being polished in my honor.  Or, at the very least, having a small neighborhood parade planned.   Instead, I had a shopping list dictated to me.  Who the hell actually EATS cottage cheese, anyway? Gross.

I bravely ventured into BJs, armed with a shopping list written in lipliner and a mission to fill the cart with foodstuffs other than soda and Cheez-Its.  I was going to buy healthy, nutritious food!  I was going to buy lunchmeat (even if I think it's naaaaaaasty and refuse to eat it)!  I was going to use coupons!

It warrants mention that I was completely starving, bordering on delusional, when I walked into the store.  That's the only way I can reasonably explain the whole coupon thing.  I'm not that organized.

I should have known that when I heard LMFAO's "Party Rock Anthem" (aka the worst song ever recorded) playing over the loudspeaker  as I entered the store that this shopping trip was about to go off the rails.

Ever attempt to grocery shop with visions of urban hamsters dancing atop Kias running through your head?   Ever attempt to grocery shop as you play the role of "Tired Middle Aged Broad" in Jersey Shore- Downingtown BJs edition?

Every day I'm shuffling...

That line ran through my I spent something like $400 filling my cart full of random items that only starving people purchase.   Like cottage cheese.  And corn bread.  And about 12 pounds of ravioli.  And a freaking rotisserie chicken.

Every day I'm shuffling...

That line ran through my I ate approximately a half pound of swiss cheese after it was sliced at the deli counter.  (Yes, I paid for the pre-binge weight of the cheese.  I made have no remaining pride, but I do have some integrity).

I left that store with a SUV full of crap, and I'm pretty sure we still have nothing to eat.

I just wrote about my boring life, responsible smoking, toddler nudity and grocery shopping.  I don't know much in life, but I'm pretty confident in saying that the person who mentioned they missed my blog now sorely regrets the little nudge of encouragement sent my way.

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