I Take You With Me

Three things I learned last night:

1. Forget CNN, forget MSNBC.  Facebook has become my primary news source.  I have no idea what this says about me.
2. The last few times I've gone out to eat on a Saturday night, an icon has died.  I should probably learn to cook and stop killing famous people. 
3. I'm officially of a certain age--and by that I mean that I'm old enough to reasonably expect that the icons of my childhood will start dropping like flies.  This sentiment sucks on so many levels.

Clearly, I'm referencing the death of Whitney Houston. I'm acutely aware that the cyberworld is already saturated with tributes, that some people are already experiencing celebrity death coverage exhaustion, and that I can add nothing particularly new or interesting to the conversation.  I really wanted to stay away from this topic, but the thing is.....I can't.  I reallyreallyreally can't.

I didn't know Whitney Houston.   She wasn't my idol.  She didn't change my life.  Her passing doesn't change my life one iota and I'm not dealing with some profound sense of loss.  I didn't know the woman.  I do, however, think her death is premature and profoundly sad and that the world lost a truly remarkable talent.  

For what it's worth, I also think that addiction is a debilitating disease--one that does not discriminate based on age, or wealth, or talent.  I think it's tremendously sad that when a person who struggled with addiction dies, the court of public opinion weighs in with a verdict that somehow indicates an addict's death is somehow less of a loss than the death of someone else.  I think that the judgmental refrain of "they did this to themselves" is harsh and unfair for three reasons:  

1.  It's still a loss of a human life, and I'd like to believe that's somehow sacred.
2. The one thing we all have in common is that we're all going to die, and chances are we're all going to be either partially or wholly responsible for our own demise.  It may not be from drugs or alcohol.  It may be from eating too much fast food or not enough vegetables, from not exercising, from driving too fast or without a seatbelt or from texting while driving, from a broken heart or not paying enough attention at a completely unfortunate moment.   A design flaw of the human condition is that we're all, in some way, killing ourselves- deliberately or not.
3. Addiction is a peerless opponent.  As a general rule, we do a good job rallying around others who are affected by other tragedies--like cancer, or accidents, or fires.  In those cases, we do a good job of being for each other.  We open the door and lay out the welcome mat.  When the tragedy is addiction, there's a chorus of judgment, of mean-spirited jokes- many of us turn our backs and slam the door at the exact moment when someone most needs support.  

For better or worse, I'm of the strong opinion that one of the greatest riches in life are those people on which you can rely when the rest of the world slams the door and walks out-- those people who realize that you need love most when you are most unlovable.  It's the people that say "I'll take you with me" when you are unable to take one more step on your own who are the greatest gifts.

This is all a very circuitous way of making my next point.  I do, after all, have a knack for making a short story long and a long story longer.

Whitney Houston wasn't part of my life, but she certainly provided a significant part of its soundtrack.  I'm in no way noteworthy in this regard--if Facebook posts provide any indication, she was part of the soundtrack of many women my age.  I've seen dozens of posts about middle school talent show routines to "How Will I Know" and "So Emotional" and "Greatest Love of All".  I've seen dozens of posts about  how "It's Not Right, But It's Okay" and "I'm Every Woman" as a rally cry in times of heartbreak.  And don't even get me started on "I Will Always Love You."

It's no small accomplishment to play a role in rites of passage- by the millions.  Whitney did.  And that's amazing.  Songs can evoke the most meaningful memories, and her songs can and do.  And that's amazing, too.

Whitney most often sung about love- about love done right, and about love done wrong.  With that in mind, it's kind of funny to me to realize that when I think about her music, I do think about love, but it's not about the love of any boy.  I think about the love that I've shared for many years with two girls that are dear friends, "C" and "MK."  

Go figure.

Certainly, the boys of yesteryear factor into that thought process too, but the boys most definitely were on the side.  I hear "So Emotional", and I think of the 15, and 17, and 19 year old versions of ourselves sticking up for each other when those boys would drive us crazy.  I think of the times that we showed up for each other, in sweatpants, with ice cream (or vodka) and chick flicks and nail polish and picked each other up when the boys disappointed.   I think of drunken renditions of "It's Not Right, But It's Okay", with a variety of jackasses in the background, but with the power of female friendship and girl power in the foreground.

And I think of one particular cassette tape that contains a-way-out-of-tune rendition of "The Greatest Love of All" sung by two 15 year olds in a karaoke booth at Dorney Park.  We bastardized that song in ways that are completely wrong--but it's an amazing moment captured in time of two lifelong friends, before life threw more than a few punches and left its battle scars.  It's priceless.  

The best part, ironically enough, came out the end of the tape- after the song was sung (if you could even call it that).  It's a conversation of two young girls, captured before the recording stopped.

C:  It's weird, I couldn't hear myself sing at all.

N:  Hmmm...weird.  I could hear you just fine, but I couldn't hear myself at all.

C:  Weird

N:  It's because we can hear each other better than we can hear ourselves.

We still do.  Friendships like that are beyond priceless.  You two have always said "I Take You With Me."  You have always heard me better than I've heard myself.  I doubt that I've properly thanked you before now.

Rest in peace, Whitney and thanks for the memories,

Brothers and Sisters

The thing about Facebook is that it can artificially inflate your self-confidence.   This surely is a totally stunning confession to you all, but I'm more than a bit snarky by nature.  I'm also raising a promising mini-snark, and the 2x snarky multiple in my house has provided me with ample raw material for Facebook fodder over the years.  I have a keen eye for the utterly ridiculous, which also has served me well.  A sharp eye plus a wicked pen--I'll admit that some days, that allows me to come up with some pretty witty and even some highly amusing crap.

What remains shocking to me is that some very kind-hearted people actually publicly admitted to liking my charming anecdotes, which typically involve a semi-profane musings from a 75% profane 3 year old.   Damn you, Facebook.  You made me believe that I was funny and witty and had some sort of uniquely entertaining worldview.

Here's the thing.  ANYBODY can be funny in 4 sentence clips posted at thrice-weekly intervals-- especially when you're surrounded by a highly entertaining supporting cast.   I know this now.  I'm not special.  Damn you, Facebook, for allowing me to be so self-indulgent as to believe that I was special.

I am so much cooler on Facebook than I am in real life.  Please all, let's take a moment and reflect on just how very pathetic that is.

How do I know this, you ask?  I know this because (DRUMROLL........) I mistakenly thought in a beer-and-Beyonce filled haze, that if I was funny on Facebook, I'd be even funnier in a blog.  Riiiiiiiiight.  It took less than 3 weeks for me to realize that I don't have all that much that is interesting to say, especially when I write in paragraphs as opposed to in phrases.  Maybe Twitter is my medium---I'd surely seem like a comedic genius when limited to 140 characters or less.

I've been radio silent for the better part of the last week because, frankly, I've had nothing particularly interesting to share.  Let's summarize my accomplishments of the last week:

1.  I went to work.  And then I went to work again.  And again.  And again.  I'm pretty sure I spent most of my time there acquiring new work and little time actually completing the work that I already had; thus, finishing the week behind where I started.  Again. 

2.  I made chocolate chip cookie dough (and subsequently burnt some cookies) with Little M.   We sang the "Mixing Song" while making the dough.  For those who are interested, the "Mixing Song" involves singing the word "mix" over and over again to the tune of "Jingle Bells."  I'm a thrill a minute, I tell you.

3.  I got really excited about my purchase of KABOOM! and how shiny it made all of the chrome in my sinks and tubs.  I'm still kind of excited about that, actually.  I heard about KABOOM! on either an informercial or a regular commercial late at night, and I will say, it performs as advertised.  I'm obsessive (shocker) about shiny chrome, and KABOOM! truly delivers.  KABOOM!

4. I got to spent time with my best friend, where I (a) turned myself into a wine bag, (b) got a hangover that was totally unsuitable for someone who answers to the name of "Mom" and (c) took a class called "Core Fusion" (while nursing my wine hangover) where I humiliated myself in a room full of highly fit people.  Allow me to elaborate- I'm in pretty decent shape for a middle-aged woman (thank you P90x and Insanity), but (as one of my trainers once told me), I'm about as flexible as your average senior citizen and (as my dad routinely informs me) as graceful as your average ruptured duck.  Core Fusion involves a ballet barre.  Imagine an interpretative dance performed by the spawn of the Loch Ness Monster and a river otter and you have the general idea.  

5.  Oh yeah, and I went grocery shopping.  With child.  On the weekend using one of those carts that have a car attached to the front of it.  Repeat after me- never.frigging.again.

So, now you know why you haven't heard from me.  Feel free to thank me now.

On the upside, I did get to spend time this weekend with both my brother....and my sister.  Good stuff.  The two of them remind me how fortunate I am to have a family that takes me in when I don't always deserve it, that puts up with my crap, and that loves me, without condition, when I am spectacularly imperfect.  Sometimes, biology makes a family. Sometimes, choice makes a family.  Always, love makes a family.  I'm a lucky girl.

My brother and I have the same mom and dad.  Depending on who you ask, my brother and I either look so much alike we could be twins or we look virtually nothing alike.  Depending on who you ask, my brother and I are so much alike, it's eerie or we are polar opposites.  In point of fact, my brother and I are flip sides of a coin---a little different, but totally complementary. Interdependent.  We are for each other.    We've both gone through life saying that we were 5 years apart in age --but we're actually less than 4 and a half years apart (we're not completely stupid- we were 5 years apart in school and were born in calendar years that are 5 years apart).   My brother was the "cute" one and I was the "smart" one, but somewhere along the way, we realized that my brother is crazy smart and I can be kind of cute in good lighting.  

My brother and I can fight (and have fought) like cats and dogs---but if anyone screws with my baby brother, I would knock their lights out first and ask questions later.  If not for growing up in the same house, my brother and I probably would not have been friends, partially due to the age difference and partially due to the fact that we're enough alike that we'd get on each other's nerves.  I'm so thankful for the shared DNA--there are a good number of times that my brother is the only one able to talk me off the ledge.  My brother's life has been far from easy--far more difficult than mine--but he's lived it anyway, and he's lived it with a grace and a tenacity I'm not sure I could muster.  I may be older, but I love looking up to my little brother.  There's no one on this planet who can press my buttons like my brother can, and no one who I'd rather share DNA with.  Go figure.  Baby Brother C- I don't tell you nearly enough, but I am so lucky and so proud to be your sister.

My sister and I have different parents and live in different states.  We share few physical features, unless you count us being the exact same height (midway between dwarf and average) and freakishly small fingers (how many adults can possibly have a size 4 ring finger?)  I'd say we were alike in all the ways that count, but that would be unfair to her and grossly inflating me.  We are, however, for each other.  

My sister is the most beautiful person I've ever met in real life...inside and out.  She's brave and outspoken and open-minded and listens with open ears and an open heart.  She does not judge (unless it's truly bad fashion, and it's always justified).  Like my biological brother, her life hasn't been easy, but she lived it anyway, and with grace and tenacity that I doubt I could muster (sound familiar?)  I was (obviously) alive when I met her, but my sister is the one who taught me to live...taught me to get a life.  She is my single greatest influence.   Little M has not been baptized in a church, but there was only one person that I'd want to be her (fairy) godmother.  My sister.  Sister J- I don't tell you nearly enough, but I am so lucky and proud to be your sister.  

Here's to my siblings- to the family I was lucky enough to be born into, and to the family that I was smart enough to choose.  Oneword. Love.

I'm a lucky girl,

Little Miss Sunshine